Back to the Future or The Terminator? Back to the Future or The Terminator? Creepy time travel mum fancying you or creepy time travel getting your mum laid? That was our dilemma for this issue’s movie marathon, with its theme of time. We mainly plumped for The Terminator because Laurel had never seen Terminator 3 (with good reason it turns out) and still has an unhealthy regard for the young John Connor. So, here we go! Laurel and Lucy watch the first three Terminator films (we stopped there as Lucy refuses to watch Terminator Salvation ever, ever again).
The Terminator (1984, dir. James Cameron)
Lucy: I actually own this one on DVD, and it survived the KonMarie DVD cleanse, so that’s how much I like this.
Laurel: I haven’t seen this one that many times! I mainly watched T2 you know. Because of Eddie Furlong.
The film begins.
Lucy: Wow. The opening explainer text is in a really terrible font.
Arnie arrives in 1984.
Laurel: You just saw Arnie’s willy shadow!!!
Lucy: Michael Biehn! I hope we see HIS willy shadow. Imagine how good looking he’d be in this if he just didn’t have such awful 80s hair.
Laurel: Hmm. He has stolen a homeless man’s filthy trousers, and has now broken into a department store to steal some other clothes, yet neglects to steal CLEAN TROUSERS. I don’t have a huge amount of faith in him.
Lucy: He just robbed a police rifle from an unlocked police car. No wonder LA was so crime-ridden in the 80s if they’re just going to leave their guns lying around.
Laurel: Sarah Connor! What a moped. What wonderful feathered hair. Oh… wait. I think I’m wearing the same jeans as her.
Arnie murders the first Sarah Connor.
Lucy: Thank goodness there are other Sarah Connors! Soz, other Sarah Connors, but your murders saved the mother of the future!
Vision of the post-apocalyptic future.
Lucy: You know. If I was there, I’d just give up. I’d just step in front of the robot lasers and end it. What’s the point.
Sarah and her roommate Ginger are getting ready to go out.
Laurel: OMG. I love her hair. I love her outfit. Ginger is my new style icon.
Ginger has sex with her boyfriend whilst wearing her headphones?
Laurel: Huh. Style icon but not sexytimes icon, that’s for sure.
Lucy: A big lesson from this film is always be ex-directory.
Laurel: I don’t know about the police here. I mean, they’re trying to warn her that Sarah Connors are being murdered, but they haven’t left a police officer at her apartment. Seems like that would be a sensible thing to do, although, I suppose Arnie would just kill them anyway.
Arnie breaks into their apartment.
Lucy: Oh, Ginger! I hope you get to eat that post-headphone sex sandwich!
Laurel: Oh god. Nope. 11 year old me still fancies him. I hate myself and feel disgusting.
Lucy: Why is he on a moped dirt bike thing? Isn’t he only about 13? That should be illegal, maybe.
Sarah Connor! In a psychiatric hospital.
Laurel: OMG I am jealous of her toned arms. Although not of the situation that she is in, that has led her to have very toned arms.
The T1000 gives some very good side-eye to a silver mannequin.
Chase scene with T1000/Eddie/Arnie.
Laurel: Why have you stopped your bike to watch the truck explode, Eddie Furlong? Just keep going. Drive. An insane terminator man who runs inhumanly fast is after you. Drive!
Lucy: Arnie’s one-handed shotgun reload is so great.
Eddie’s foster parents are for it.
Laurel: OMG T1000 as foster mum is AMAZING.
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Sarah is hiding out in the Technoir nightclub. It is a flashing blinking smoke filled wonderland.
Laurel: I’d definitely go out dancing here.
Arnie turns up and machine-guns up the place. Michael Biehn rescues Sarah and they escape together.
Lucy: Sarah is really good at driving! I love her.
After a police shootout, Arnie does some self-repair involving eye surgery.
Laurel hides face in hands.
Lucy, who once spent 18 months cataloguing early C20th surgical films, watches dispassionately.
Laurel: I can’t believe you don’t think eye surgery is gross. Look, Sarah Connor is cleaning up Michael Biehn and she said SHE’S going to puke and she’s SARAH CONNOR.
Lucy: She’s so normal and likeable!
Sarah and Michael Biehn bond in a motel.
Laurel: He’s a virgin? That’s odd. If I lived in a post-apocalyptic wasteland I’d bone as much as possible. What if you got lasered by a robot before you had sex?
Lucy: HOW is he in love with her his whole life? From a photo? You’re a weirdo, Kyle.
T1000 as foster mum spears foster dad with her metallic spear arm through the milk carton.
Lucy: Best shot of the film!
Back in the hospital, the male nurse is sexually assaulting Sarah Connor.
Lucy: I HATE YOU. I can’t wait for Sarah to beat the crap out of you.
Sarah escapes and beats up the gross nurse.
Laurel: YES, SARAH
Eddie Furlong crying.
Lucy: Arnie just asked him, “What’s wrong with your eyes.” I identify with Arnie quite a lot in this. What are humans. What are emotions.
Laurel: So… after this point, the film kind of drags? Right?
The film drags.
Lucy: Oh but I love Miles Dyson’s family! They are so nice. And he’s nice. He didn’t know what he was doing, but as soon as they explain about Skynet and the apocalypse he agrees to destroy absolutely everything. I mean, I don’t think everyone would do that.
Laurel: Aside from that though, which I agree is great, the last action sequence is really going on a bit. Just blow up the research already.
T1000 liquid nitrogen!
Lucy: Yes! They should have made that office action scene a lot shorter so we could get to this awesome bit quicker.
Laurel: THUMBS UP! THUMBS UP! WAH.
Lucy: It’s sad, because John Connor never knew his dad.
Laurel: ...yes, robot Smee. Yes. That is why it is sad.
Lucy: Well, I did like that but no way did it need to be 2.5 hours long. Films are too long. 100 minutes please!
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003, dir. Jonathan Mostow)
Lucy: Who is Jonathan Mostow?
Laurel: WHO IS THAT ACTOR THAT ISN’T JOHN CONNOR WHERE IS EDDIE FURLONG WHAT IS GOING ON I AM EFFING OUTRAGED WHO CAN I WRITE A FURIOUS LETTER TO.
Lucy: [wikipedias] Apparently, they were going to cast Eddie but changed to this nondescript man shortly before filming started.
Laurel: [punches cushion in pure rage] THAT IS INJUSTICE.
Lady Terminator arrives!
Lucy: Oh. My. God. Sorry. What. She… she just enlarged her breasts in order to appear sexy to a policeman? Who she’s going to MURDER anyway because she’s a TERMINATOR? [punches cushion in pure rage].
Laurel: Her purple leather outfit is 100% ugly. Two thumbs up to the costume department for this film for completely succeeding in making the ugliest outfit ever.
Lucy: This is the least funny pastiche of the previous films ever.
Laurel: But finally! The T-X has guns for hands. That makes sense. Well done, robot designing robots.
Boring John Connor meets up with Claire Danes.
Lucy: Oh! Claire Danes. Nice.
Sarah Connor’s tomb is full of guns because Sarah was a boss. RIP Sarah.
Laurel: I can’t believe Sarah Connor is dead, and now the lady main character is a boob-enhancing purple leather wearing lady. Come on.
Lucy: I hate you, post-feminism.
Claire Danes finds out that her fiance is dead.
Laurel: She is SO GOOD at acting crying.
They go to see Claire Danes’ military dad to get him to stop Skynet. They are too late. Claire Danes’ dad dies.
Lucy: Huh. She is having a terrible, terrible day, and also the world is going to end.
Laurel: She’s bonding with boring John Connor though. I don’t like how quickly she’s getting over her murdered fiancé.
The T-X reprogrammes Arnie to be bad.
Lucy: Ah, nice, even if you did see it coming the first time she reprogrammed some electronic things.
Boring John Connor tells Claire Danes (his future wife) that she reminds him of his mother.
Laurel: What. That is a deal-breaker. Get out now, Claire Danes.
Boring John and Claire Danes go to the top secret location that Claire Danes’ dad told them houses Skynet’s core.
Lucy: Ugh, more fighting. I don’t care. One of you kill the other one.
Laurel: Yeah, and maybe don’t stand there watching the stupid fighting? Just go and turn Skynet off? And save the world?
Arnie explodes the T-X.
The top secret location that houses Skynet is in fact just a nuclear bunker. All Boring John and Claire Danes can do is watch the world explode and start to coordinate the resistance.
Lucy: Well! That was a surprisingly good and bleak ending that that piece of crap film did not deserve in the slightest.
The Terminator - one of the best films ever
Terminator 2 - Still good, but needs a serious edit
Terminator 3 - Nope.
Sarah and Ginger in happier times
The love of 11-year-old Laurel's life
Laurel: BUT at least his virginity makes his sperm super strength (maybe I dunno) and he gets her preggo in one go.
Lucy: Huh! Melted Arnie looks SUPER stop animation. I mean, I think it really is stop animation. He looks like the skeletons from Jason and the Argonauts.
Sarah crushes Arnie and is sad about Kyle, who is now totally dead.
Laurel: Well, that was great. What a great film. 5 stars. A+. 100.
Lucy: Yes. A million high fives.
Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991, dir. James Cameron)
Laurel: I have a confession. I’m worried that seeing Eddie Furlong in this will bring back my feelings of a giant crush on him that I had when I was 11. Except I’m now 31 and that’s wildly, wildly inappropriate.
Lucy: [googles pictures of current-day Eddie Furlong; shows them to Laurel]
Laurel: Ah! Ah! Ok. Thanks.
Lucy: The typeface in the opening credits is way better. Thanks, the nineties.
Laurel: You know… why don’t the robots in the future have guns for hands?
Lucy: Why do the robots even have humanoid structures. Just build awesome battle robots of various cool shapes.
Arnie arrives from the future.
Lucy: Ooooh! Imagine seeing this in the cinema at the time! And not knowing that he was good in T2! And thinking he was bad still!
Laurel: OMG! You’re right. That would have been AMAZING. What a great twist.
[In fact, apparently at the time, the trailer RUINED THE TWIST and everyone was furious, the audiences, the production crew, everyone. Trailer decision dudes, you are terrible].
The T1000 shows up.
Lucy: Oh god, I forgot how scary he is.
Eddie Furlong. He throws his long, curtained, undercut hair back, like a goddamn model.
Hell Boy Movie Marathon