As this issue's theme is Love, Sex and Romance, we quickly settled on the Twilight Saga for our regular movie marathon feature. I've never seen them before and just assumed it was a trilogy, but turns out there are FIVE of these bastards, so we decided to just watch the first three in the interest of retaining brain function and sanity.
Twilight (2008, dir. Catherine Hardwicke)
The film opens with KStew having to move to rainy Forks to live with her monosyllabic dad because her mum is off on a road trip banging a sportsball player.
Lucy: KStew is quite lovely looking isn't she? Although. That skin is PALE.
Laurel: I think someone actually comments on that soon. It’s a feature.
KStew moves to Forks, meets Jacob and starts school.
Lucy: Jacob seems nice. The kids at the high school have terrible hair. Woah! Anna Kendrick?!?
Laurel: It was her breakthrough role!
RPatz encounters Bella and is greatly disturbed by her stench.
Lucy: Goodness, he is really acting like he's going to vom just by being near KStew. So rude.
Laurel: All the boys in the whole school fancy her though. At this point she probably needs some balance or she’ll start getting a big head.
Lucy: Why is that? Why do they all think she is the best thing ever? She doesn't really say or do much or display much personality.
KStew confronts RPatz about him being rude to her.
Laurel: Haha, his wrist cuff. Haha.
Lucy: His wrist cuff, plus the fact that this is the most stilted conversation of all time, would make me just not bother talking to this guy ever again. Instead, we have five films.
Edward saves Bella from being crushed by a truck and all the other Cullen kids look super annoyed about it.
Lucy: They sort of just look like they all have trapped wind.
Bella dreams about Edward.
Laurel: Pretty sure she just came in her sleep dreaming about his face.
Lucy: And why not. He sure does have a face doesn't he? Everything about it is so exaggerated. That is some HAIR and some EYEBROWS and some CHIN. Ridiculous facial features.
Laurel: See, now every boy in school is asking her to prom! Why! She is so mopey and I don't know what she is even interested in. Does she have any hobbies even?
Lucy: Edward is just a very rude man. Also every other boy is an idiot. She needs to not date any of these guys and instead, spend some time working out where her creative and academic interests lie.
Edward says, "If you were smart you'd stay away from me."
Lucy: !!! Good GOD. See, this is why I've never watched these films. "Don't blame me when I am a complete dickhead to you! I totes warned you! It's your fault, bye."
Jacob tells Bella about the Cullens being enemies of his Native American tribe.
Lucy: Thank god. Get over him and get your life back on track, Bella!
Bella does not get over him and she goes out at night in the woods and falls over and her dad organises a search party.
Laurel: Look, a handsome half-naked man is rescuing her. I am sure that the police will want to question why a half-naked man walks from the woods carrying an unconscious teenage girl. Oh, no, they do not.
He walks back into the woods, still half-naked.
Lucy: Makes sense.
Bella sees the guys who tried to assault her in the first film. Edward's disembodied head appears in a shop window.
Lucy: What the actual hell is happening. What is happening. What is this.
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Laurel: Just go out with him. He is a kind boy who has a normal, cute face. Just go out with him instead of rude cartoon face.
Lucy: Is that what happens? Are there five films because it just shows these two going on cute dates and being nice to each other?
The girls go shopping for prom dresses in town.
Laurel: Don't buy any of those dresses. Everyone in this film needs to really consider their life choices.
Some rough men are threatening to Bella and Edward pops up out of nowhere and scares them away. He says, "Talk about something else and distract me so I won't turn around and rip their heads off."
Lucy: Ohmygod. It's all down to her to stop his violent behaviour. This is mental. It's like some kind of abusive husband textbook. What is happening. Who made this.
Edward explains he follows her around.
Laurel: Stalker. A violent stalker. He's a violent stalker.
Bella works out Edward's a vampire. He says, "I've killed people before. I wanted to kill you. I've never wanted a human's blood so much in my life." She says, "I trust you."
Lucy: I can't cope with this. Run away! Stab him in the heart and then run away!
Edward says something about how living without human blood is like humans only eating tofu.
Laurel: He's a violent stalking victim blamer and he's anti-tofu! I hate him!
Eclipse (2010, dir. David Slade)
A random man gets turned into a vampire. Then Bella goes to see Jake but Edward breaks her truck so she can't.
Lucy: I can't think of many more ways to say CONTROLLING PSYCHOPATH.
Bella goes to see her mum for the Last Time Before Graduation, which is when she will marry Edward and he will turn her into a vampire.
Lucy: Everything she's doing is the last time she'll do it before graduation. This is so depressing. Her life is literally ending after high school.
Laurel: Her mum is actually allowed to say some quite sensible things. It's like someone who realised what these films were about snuck into the writers' room and inserted some real advice in there.
Lucy: This is why Edward has told Bella to cut her mother from her life. Seriously, please can you think of a different way that I can say controlling psychopath.
Laurel: Arsewipe douchecanoe?
Lucy: That'll do.
Jake says to Bella, "I'd rather you be dead than one of them."
Laurel: What is wrong with the men in this universe? They are all hideous.
Jake has to help protect Bella against an army of baby vampires bred by Victoria, some vampire from the first film who hates Bella. Bella hangs out with the tribe and listens to stories.
Laurel: So, all of their stories about the history of their tribe dating from hundreds of years ago are about vampires. None of the stories are not to do with vampires. None of them are about say, having land stolen from them by white colonists. Just vampires. Are vampires a metaphor for white Europeans as well as abusive husbands?
Lucy: You are definitely giving this film more credit than it's due.
Jake tells Bella he loves her, and also says, "You wouldn't have to change for me or say goodbye to anybody."
Laurel: The lad is making a very strong argument.
Lucy: Yes, but also. That is the bare minimum. Be yourself, hang with your friends and family. That is just normal human behaviour. Hey! I'm a catch because I won't beat you!
Rosalie tells Bella the story of her gang rape attack the night she was turned into a vampire by Carlisle.
Lucy: What the fuff. Thanks for writing that particular backstory, Stephanie.
At Alice's graduation party, Muse are playing.
Lucy: What fresh hell is this.
Laurel: Stephanie Meyer loves Muse! She listened to them while she was writing the book!
Lucy: [becomes incoherent and lolls on the sofa, having lost all control of her limbs]
Some nonsense planning regarding protecting Bella from the baby vampire army happens. All you need to know is that there is yet again, a missed opportunity for Bella to ride on Jacob's back while he's in his werewolf form.
Laurel: Oh, this is the part where Edward refuses to have sex with Bella because he's old-fashioned.
Lucy: Because he's 200 years older than her.
Laurel: He prefers the courting method of his day.
Lucy: 500 years ago.
Laurel: When things were more romantic.
Lucy: Certainly he would think so, he would think that 1000 years in the past when women had no equal pay or vote would be more romantic.
Edward presents Bella with the ugliest engagement ring the world has ever seen.
Laurel: I know that this film is awful for many reasons, but the anti-tofu comment in the first film, and this ring design have personally offended me the most.
Bella wipes some blood on trees to confuse the baby vampires.
Lucy: It's a shame she's not on her period. She could have stuck her used sanitary towels to all the trees too for extra confusion.
Laurel: Edward definitely wouldn't have let her do that.
They stay the night in a tent in the snow on top of a mountain, and Bella gets pretty cold and Jake gets to blanket her with his naked torso (cue another Jake being hot joke). Bella and Jake kiss. Even though she loves him, she chooses Edward, as he holds her in his psychopathic sway.
Vampire fight. Edward sets Victoria on fire and she bursts into flame more immediately and more violently than a barrel of oil and alcohol mixed together would.
Lucy: That was easy. Just fight the baby vampires with flamethrowers, guys.
Other things that are boring happen. Laurel gives Lucy a quick rundown of what happens in the last two films, the most horrific of which is that Edward and Bella name their baby Renesmee.
Lucy: Renesmee. A. I must protest strongly that my surname is in this horrific collection of syllables. B. Thank the gods that my parents did not call me Rene. C. Renesmee? Like you, with your hatred of the anti-tofu comment and the engagement ring, possibly the thing that has offended me the most out of all the terrible things in these films is this name. Renesmee! Good lord. I suppose by now I'm so worn out by Edward's incessant psychopathic behaviour that I've become slightly inured to it. Which I guess was his plan all along.
You can't really see it here, but trust, the wrist cuff is awful.
Not Bella's Nan. Bella.
This is normally where we'd have an Amazon advert for the boxset just discussed but I refuse to do that for Twilight, even for sweet, sweet Amazon pennies. Spend your money on literally anything else.
Lucy: Hang on, he's like, 90 years old? Gross. Although, once I knew he was a super old vampire I'd ask him one million questions about the past. She has so far not asked him ANYTHING about World War I. If you're going to hang out with a violent victim-blaming stalker, then you may as well make the most of it.
Edward tells Bella he has been watching her sleep for the last couple of months.
Laurel: He's a psychopath.
They kiss and he goes totally nuts.
Lucy: She just apologised for making him go nuts. I'm feeling so desperately sad about this I'm going to start rending my clothing.
Climax of the film is some bad vampires chasing after Bella and the Cullens fighting them off. Edward has to suck some vampire venom from Bella but drinks her blood in the process and won't stop. His doctor dad sits beside him and says, doesn't even shout, "Stop. Stop."
Laurel: Just pull him off?
Edward says, "You have to go to Jacksonville so I can't hurt you anymore."
Lucy: I hate him I hate him I hate him.
Bella and Edward go to prom together.
Laurel: He is dancing with her like a dad. He is about 100 years older than her so why wouldn't he dance with her like a dad?
The end credits roll.
Lucy: Oh. Lady director. Lady screenwriter. Lady editor. Based on a book by a lady. Good god. This is why we can't have nice things. Four women do not a feminist movie make.
New Moon (2009, dir. Chris Weitz)
The film starts with a dream that looks like the Spanish Inquisition and then some old lady.
Lucy: Oh my god. Is that Bella's nan? Did Edward have sex with Bella's nan back in like, 1940?!?
Laurel: What?! No, that's Bella when she's old!
Lucy: Oh. My theory was much more exciting than I predict this film will be.
At school, the teacher makes Edward recite some Shakespeare.
Laurel: Ugh. Everyone is splooshing over him reciting Shakespeare instead of making fun of him knowing Shakespeare by heart like a nerd.
The Cullens throw Bella an extremely over-the-top birthday party and she gets a papercut. Edward throws her out of the way of Jasper.
Lucy: He just injured her way more by throwing her very forcefully. He is the worst leading man in a romance ever imagined.
Bella asks Edward for a kiss.
Laurel: He is acting like she just asked him to stick his finger up her bum to help her poo.
Bella sticks a terrible picture of Edward in her scrapbook and he creeps in check up on what she’s doing.
Laurel: JUST when it looked like she was getting a hobby. Can’t she have ANYTHING for herself, Ed?
Lucy: He is the world's most awful controlling psychopath.
The Cullens leave town.
Hell Boy Movie Marathon
Bella gets Jacob to help her fix up a motorbike so she can ride it so she can see Edward's disembodied head.
Lucy: Seriously, Laurel, what is happening?
Bella and Jake go to the cinema.
Laurel: The film options at this cinema are 'Love Spelled Backward is Love' and 'Face Punch'.
Lucy: What is wrong with this film who are the writers are they real what is this.
They go see Face Punch.
Laurel: FACE PUNCH.
Jacob suddenly looks confused, Bella touches him and say’s “You’re so hot.” (First of what will turn out to be a theme of Jacob being hot jokes)
Bella finds out that Jake and his chums are werewolves sworn to hunt vampires. Jacob saves Bella's life after she cliff dives.
Lucy: Just go out with Jacob. Or no one. Leave this insane town.
Edward thinks Bella is dead from the cliff dive and goes to commit suicide by revealing himself to humans so that the vampire council will kill him.
Laurel: Hooray! This is an excellent plan!
Bella stops Edward from doing his sensible plan.
Lucy: Uggggggh why are you saving him oh my god now he's wearing some kind of smoking jacket over his tiny naked white torso why. Also, why is Michael Sheen in this film.? He is quite a good actor and he should be doing other things that aren't this thing.
The vampires fight but that's resolved, who cares why. The film ends.
Lucy: So far, things that Bella has missed out on: quizzing RPatz about the Twentieth Century and riding on Jake's back while he's a wolf.
The heinous engagement ring.
Terminator Movie Marathon