a letter to...

And so – cycle along the tracks out of London. (a friend has told me that this would be difficult, unrealistic and quite noisy, but failed to provide a better plan so – I’m sticking with it.) The danger points would be at stations, where zombies can easily access the tracks. This means that there will still be a high need for protective clothing and weaponry, taking us to category B.

Zombie Apocalypse Get Out of London Plan: Shopping List.

What objects would you need to survive?

By Laurel Sills

BicyclePlymouth

I spend a lot of time planning for when the dead finally overwhelm the planet and I happen to be one of the last remnants of the human race. Let’s face it, if you are unlucky enough to be living in a city when Z-day hits, you are basically screwed. But, even if this is the terrible and undeniable truth, it doesn’t hurt to be prepared.

 

Plan B

Just in case we can’t get out, Lucy and I have a pact to terminate each other in case one of us gets scratched by a zombie (we only live 10 minutes away from each other so it makes sense we’d hole up together), so the injured person dies before turning all the way. I’m not really sure of this though, to be honest, as Lucy is so vicious that if I even show signs of having a minor cold, she’ll probably just slit my throat to be on the safe side. Still, better to have a stone cold psycho on your side than not, eh?

 

So, you’ve been barricaded inside of your house for weeks, and your store of sardines and beans have long since run out. It’s time to get out. Look around you. What are the most vital things to take in order to get you out of the city and into the dubious safety of the overpopulated countryside? I have split these essential items into three categories:

 

A. Transport

B. Protection

C. Weapons

Weapons. Swords, household tools, gaming equipment.

(This is the UK, so we can’t rely on noisy, attention-grabbing guns.)

 

There are many objects one finds in one’s house that can be effective at immobilising a zombie. Certain people will prefer different implements. The decorative samurai sword that has hung for so many years above the fireplace suddenly becomes a lifeline to the discerning collector. If however, you do not happen to have such a sword within your household, other more everyday objects can be repurposed for use on zombie heads.

 

A hammer or mallet, for instance, will do nicely, although this presents the problem of having to get alarmingly close to the rotting beast. Similarly, if you have a zombie confined, a screwdriver used from above can be instantly effective (not recommended while the beast is mobile, as screwdrivers have been known to skid uselessly off the skull on the first few attempts).

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Bicycle Plymouth CC Chris 73

This gentleman looks ready to ride.

shaun-of-the-dead-trio

A shovel, an axe and a cricket bat. An excellent example of repurposing everyday objects in Shaun of the Dead.

Transport : Bike

 

Perfect for weaving noiselessly past flaming cars and squeezing through tiny spaces.

 

The most important thing is to get out of the city as quickly as possible. The roads are out. All those panicking Londoners that fled in the first wave have blocked up the streets with their totalled cars and reanimated corpses. Think. Where would it be most difficult for a lumbering zombie to get to? The rooftops are all well and good, but not a practical option for the sprawl of suburbia. Fences. Zombies have oft been scuppered by the humble garden fence (as used to excellent effect in Shaun of the Dead), so imagine what one made of wire mesh, steel and concrete will do? Use the railway line.

 

The railways. These benefit from being fenced in for safety most of the time. They are tunnelled and elevated, at all times with the consideration of keeping out the general rif raf.

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Hockey sticks have excellent range, and are especially effective when enhanced by the gaffa-taping of an ice-skate to the end. This can prove unwieldy, however, and some hockey sticks have been known to shatter on impact.

 

The cricket bat would be my personal weapon of choice (knocked in, titanium reinforced willow to provide more power in the hitting zone). This has range and a large surface area for effective skull contact. The hardwood mallet used to knock in the bat can also be worn at the belt for back up protection.

 

Cross bow/bow and arrows. This, while available from most good sporting outlets, requires quite a high level of expertise, and is only effective when one is elevated and protected. Not recommended for close encounters or beginner archers.

 

I would advise one primary weapon with which you become adept in, and a number of secondary items, such as screwdrivers, hammers and knives  secreted about one’s person.

 

So, you have your bike, your protective gear and your weapon. Load up your panniers with food and water and head to the nearest trainline to journey into the countryside, away from built-up urban areas. I like the idea of making for the Isle of Wight, partly as an homage to the Day of the Triffids. The Solent would provide a natural barrier against the spread of zombie disease, plus you’d get to live somewhere with a model village. So, don’t forget to pack your swimming costume!

Protection

 

So, you’re still in your house. What can you use? Bike leathers are perfect, including gloves, sturdy protective boots, and helmet. Everyone has a set of these lying around right? Hopefully, Z-day happens in the colder months, as these will be toasty enough given the exertion cycling, running and staving in the skulls of zombies demands.

 

If a full set of leathers are not readily available, cricket clothing can be used as a less effective alternative. The batting helmet, leg guards and batting gloves will offer some fleeting protection.

 

Protective clothing will stop casual biters, but be careful, you must not let yourself become overwhelmed. A swarm will quickly and efficiently undress you in a rather rough fashion, freeing your midriff, giving the horde easy access to your entrails. A good way of avoiding this scenario is to kill all the zombies that you see. For this, you will need weapons.

Marlon_Brando_-_The_Wild_One

Leathers protect you from biters - and you can look frickin cool like Marlon Brando.

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